A Gentleman’s Guide to Public Bathrooms
-
For some reason, a large portion of my ideas for Harrison Fjord articles revolve around public bathrooms and, more specifically, the correct etiquette and usage of public bathrooms. It’s not that I have some sort of unrealised fecal obsession, or that I spent a large subsection of my youth trapped in a public bathroom – rather, it’s because there are so many etiquette DOs and DON’Ts that we simply aren’t taught. Instead of campaigning for bathroom-educational reform in our schools, I write a plethora of toilet articles.
Of all of the public institutions I can imagine, public bathrooms are by far the most disgusting. Every man knows that when he enters a public bathroom, he’s entering a potential pit of vile filth. No matter how clean they are, I distrust public bathrooms. They seem suspicious to me. I feel as there is a thin layer of urine hiding in unsuspecting spots, waiting to ambush me; as though that-smell-I-just-inhaled is going to give me some sort of awful infection, quite possibly cholera; as though my very presence there is exposing me to exotic bacteria that could only survive in such a place.
Thankfully, Harrison Fjord’s co-founder-and-public-bathroom-specialist, Julian, has built up a working list of Melbourne’s best public bathrooms, ranked according to cleanliness, level of foot traffic and something he refers to at the “poopability factor”. Tell that man where you are, and he will tell you the best bathroom in close proximity.
But I digress. The real point of this article is more of a public service announcement:
WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS
It seems logical to assume that the general state of cleanliness in most public bathrooms would entice people to sanitise the hell out of every portion of exposed flesh that had even the most remote chance of coming into contact with the wayward remnants of someone else’s fecal matter.
However illogical, this is not the case. Many men don’t feel the need to wash their hands post-ammonia-deposit, and the ensuing look of disapproval (?_?) that they ought to receive from their conscience is not enough to convince them to change their ways.
In a recent jaunt to the bathroom in a cinema in the CBD over the weekend, I counted twelve men not washing their hands in a minute-long stakeout-while-pretending-to-dry-my-hands. Twelve.
Why do so many men refuse to wash their hands? I can’t think of a logical explanation, so I’m leaving the question open for discussion. Comment here, on Facebook, on Twitter. email me – someone, anyone, explain to me what makes a guy think “Wow, that was pretty gross in there. Let’s eat some popcorn.”
Leave a Reply
11 Responses and Counting...
It’s because they’re too excited and want to go back to their dates.
nah i dont know, personally I cant stand not washing my hands. Then again i cant stand using public toilets and try and avoid them all together.
maybe they are too lazy? there seems to be alot of men too lazy to even aim properly, so it must be that.
I’ll take the bait.
I hate having wet hands, and I don’t think it’s that gross anyway. Bam, I said it.
Oh wait, my point was that dryers in bathrooms are super shitty. When I was in Japan and they have awesome hand dryers it was a pleasure. To me the process of getting them slightly damp when I come out of the bathroom is a more gross feeling than not washing them. And apparently for a lot of other guys.
When there are paper towels, I do wash. Well more. Plus more of a guilty conscious sets in after no. 2. That’s all I will say.
It’s simple: when I wee in a public toilet I look for any excuse to touch as few surfaces as possible. Apart from the door handle, you can get away with handling only your old fella in an entire toilet pit stop. A tap, hand drier button, soap dispenser, flush and toilet door all represent an extra surface that could be possibly covered with what you describe as “a thin layer of urine”. I take all steps to ensure my hand only comes in contact with a well known entity.
That said, there is no excuse for not washing your hands after you’ve taken a shit.
Why don’t we make this world a better place by getting paper towels in every public toilet? or even better, those japanese–handdryers! i’m sure that way less people will die, more animals will survive human contact, rainforests saved, toiletcleaners extinct, etc
Maybe nobody washed their hands because there was nowhere to dry them because you were using the dryer watching people not wash their hands?
Through careful practice and manipulation of my undies I have removed the need to even touch the pork sword. Doors can be opened with feet. Im prettty sure this is cleaner then anything else you can do, taps are fucking filthy.
My member is far far cleaner than any public toilet tap. And I’m fairly sure some mythbusters style science has been carried out to test that fact! That being said, I always wash my hands, go figure.
because I feel like I’ll just get my hands dirtier if I touch anything in the bathroom, including the tap.
I dont ever wash my hands in the bathroom because half the time I touch the door where the nonwashers touched it.
But….thats because I carry hand sanitizer and sanitize my hands right after. I dont know of any men really doing this. Actually the only other person I know of doing this is my mother. Who growing up always carried baby wipes and eventually hand sanitizer.
She still makes gives me some after I use the restroom when I go out to eat with her or anywhere really.
While I wash my hands 99% of the time. My reasoning for not would be this;
My penis is cleaner than any object in a rest room. Including the tap.